Sunday, July 26, 2009

Happiness - a butterfly on the wing

What a privilege it is, to stare into the eyes of the one whom you love... Alas! 'tis a cruel life, that one may behold a loved one's face yet the next moment cease to exist...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I look at the wall clock hanging above my head, watching in rapt attention as the long hand ticked each second away. A minute fragment of my life, steadily leaking through my hands.

Have you ever had that feeling that you had too much time in your hands? Nights spent having fun with your friends to various bars around. Staying up late to gawk at beautiful people far beyond your league. Drinking your money away. Laughing at nothing in particular. This is the life. No worries. No hassles. Just you and the bottle of beer in front of you.

Closing time. The waiters tell you and your friends they're about to close. You just smile. You're high. No one can touch you. You ride into the back seat of your "friend", who so happened you had a crush on. One thing led to another and both of you end up in his bed inside his room. You wake up to the harsh morning light, your mouth tastes like stale vinegar. You try to stand up, the sudden movement send you puking out the fish n' chips you had as pulutan. The acrid smell rises up to your nostrils as your head spins. Beside you, he stirs, you suddenly realize what happened. Thoughts like, what would happen next? Does this mean we're a couple now? Did he use protection?

*To be continued*

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Science of Lonelines

I've observed, first hand, that loneliness can make you do some pretty stupid things which you will eventually regret later. For instance, you might find yourself walking aimlessly for hours on end without a clear idea of where you're going or buy things you don't need and cannot use at all. Sometimes, you do things which under normal circumstances you wouldn't even dream of doing. For example, suffering the indignity of lowering yourself to other people's level just so you wouldn't be alone. I'm not trying to be condescending here, just pointing out that no matter how well educated you are, when loneliness sucks you in, there is little or nothing at all that your bachelor, masters, or doctorate degree can do for you.

In loneliness we are all equals. There is no rich or poor, tall or short, ugly or beautiful, single or in a relationship, young or old, fat/thin or good physique, and sometimes even gender. In its most pure and potent form, loneliness can verily contort or break down the walls reality...

For me, I see loneliness as a way of life. A fact I have to face each and every day, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, to the time I close my eyes at night.

Loneliness in its purest form can be crippling, you'll just find yourself unable to continue, unable to face even the daily routine you have grown used to.
Loneliness is a voice that at some point will whisper sweet nothings to your ear... in time, if you listen to eat, it will be as clear as the voice inside your head.

Friday, February 6, 2009

...of Love

Why do we love? Do we love that we may live, or we live that we may love? Why is it that more often than not, the outcome of love is falling out of it or being hurt by it? For centuries, man has written, sculpted, painted, sang, danced, or acted all aspects concerning love, but in this long long long long course of time, has man really understood what love truly means? Or are we just following what the commercialized scenarios set by television and film are feeding our brains? If you ask me, love doesn't have to be as epic as Titanic, love is still love even in it's simplicity.

(By the way, I'm only writing this because it's almost Valentines, and as always it appears as if I'm going to spend it all alone... *iyak* Hehehe)

I hate public display of affection, honestly. I mean, holding hands is okay but over and beyond that just makes my blood boil. If you should know, yes, I am a tad jealous. I mean, so you're in love, you don't have to rub it in everybody else's face right? It may sound like sour graping but it's not, I have a healthy respect for star-crossed lovers, as long as they don't try to smother each other in front of me.

What other pain can there be, not that inflicted by a dagger to the heart, but of a love that went unanswered... unnoticed... unknown. A nameless love, a love spent hiding in the fringes of shadow and anonymity. A love that you alone feel. Is there anything more tragic than that? What other form of pain can surpass an unrequited love?

If there were a medicine to cure love, I would gladly walk a thousand miles just to get it. To rid my body of this canker that lingers in the cavities of my heart, that keeps me up at night starring into emptiness. I would give everything I have just to be free of this disease that causes me tremendous pain... that throbs especially in my solitude.

I'm tired... I'm not sick anymore, before I was sick and tired of waiting for love to give my life a new meaning, to shed a different light into my otherwise grey world, but now, I'm just tired. I'm like a zombie who walk the streets (however, I don't try to eat the passers by) with a blank expression on my face.

Have you noticed people inside public vehicles? Some people don't look out the window, while others ogle at people on the sidewalk. I've formed a theory that those that look outside are the people who are still hoping that one day they'll find love or love will find them, whichever comes first, while the ones who don't they're the people who are either already in a relationship or have already resigned themselves to the fact that they're going to grow old, wither, then finally die alone... I categorize myself under the first.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Darker Shade of Red

Sweet release - erupting from the depths of the soul.
A rising and falling motion old as the annals of time.
Shared by two bodies interlaced in bouts of passion.
Abandon on their lips and fire on their fingertips.
* * *
They kiss - their tongues entwine,
The cool night's breeze fanning their bliss.
Gazing in each other's glistening eyes,
Their hearts filled with intoxicating contentment.
* * *
Soft sounds of music travel to their ears,
As the voices of angels serenade them on high.
Silently reveling in the enchanted moment,
Wrapped in rapturous embrace as if the world would end.
* * *
Whispering words of tenderness,
Promising commitment and vowing fealty.
They etch the memory in their minds,
A fragment of time that is forever - solely their own.
* * *
A fissure, borne by their imminent separation,
Opens and engulfs them in darkness.
Emptiness resonate with palpable loss -
The cold creeps slow chilling their very blood.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

How do you handle disappointment?

If my life were a battlefield, it would be littered with deep craters made by explosions of frustration, shrapnels of self-pity, and dead dreams with pools of dried blood everywhere.
Well so far I'm still here breathing in air like any other human being out there, all my faculties are intact as well. I can't complain actually, however, there are some instances when you just have to ask, "why did it have to happen?" Most of the time the answer doesn't come to you immediately, sometimes we only realize it when it's already too late. Well as they say, life is what you make it. I have learned to face life with a smile and a steady heart, knowing that whatever hurdle that comes my way will make me stronger and wiser. "Pain and suffering is inevitable, being miserable is optional", so true... But we really can't control life. When life thinks that you forgot about her she's going to make you remember, and remember you will. A simple jolt can leave you gasping for breath like a goldfish out of water. *sighs* Whichever way we look at life, we will always be faced with disappointments, we can never really prepare for what's in store for us. So the next best thing to do is - don't expect too much, hope is different from expectation. When we hope, we know that the outcome can either go our way or not. Expectation on the other hand is setting a clear image of what you whant to happen, people who do this is really asking for disappointment to bite them in the ______(another term for donkey).

At an early age, when I was supposed to be still blissfully unaware of how the "real" world works, I was made to realize one of the facts of life - disappointment. My mother and father separated when I was eight years old. Tears where pointless, when you're a kid living in the adult world you feel so powerless no matter how you try to change the things around you. This is what happened with me, I desperately wanted to grow older, to grow big and strong so as to have my voice heard over the grown-ups. Nothing happened of course, I was still a kid, ignorant and dependent on his mother.

There was once a point in our lives when we dream, not the dreams we have now that we're old about material things like a house and lot, cell phone, or car, real dreams that are the stuff of legends. Paulo Coelho wrote about it in "The Alchemist", our so called "personal legends", just to set an example mind you. I once had a dream, I once dreamt of becoming a scientist and I would invent things that would make life easier for people. I started taking my toys apart, just to see how they worked. Time passed by, days became weeks, weeks bacame months, months became years. Slowly I grew up, physically my wish of becoming taller came true, mentally, however, I was still the same kid but my eyes were open. I can now see malice, pervertion, greed, lust, pride, almost every sin known to man. Knowing these things almost hardened my heart, but when I feel like I've seen too much - I just walk away. Walking away is not cowardice, as long as you come back. Just give yourself enough time to recuperate from being desensitized by society.
Our dreams are always there in storage, we only need to have the courage to open them, and if lucky enough see them through to the finish line.

Macabre Love

Sweet love - glorious and sublime to behold,
Brilliant as the rays of the morning sun.
Merriment is on their lips as they gently kiss,
Fueling the flames of passion in their midst.
* * *
Oblivious of the world and all its splendor,
Their eyes are only for each others face.
Yet on every face their is always a mask,
Hidden in secret, a sneer behind the smile.
* * *
Slow poison - coursing through the veins,
Little by little the body withers away.
Doubt stirring in their very hearts,
More toxic than the most potent venom.
* * *
Blinded they tear at each others sanity,
The painful gashes they inflict bleed and fester.
The illusion is shattered, as the pieces of their hearts break,
Hollow they walk the streets, with eyes that cannot see.